Unexpressed.

I know I've been scarce lately. I've had so much going on with m life, it would take me FOREVER to catch you all up. I have so much on my mind and on my heart right now, that I cannot even come up with words. I thought this song and these lyrics fit perfectly. So, here you go for now.


"All your twisted thoughts freeflow
to everlasting memories, show soul.
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for stupid calls returning us to life.
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true cause we're too young
I know that's true because
So long I was
So in love with you, so I thought.

A year goes by...and I can't talk about it.

Thoughts free flow try to consume
Myself in this.
I'm not faithless, just paranoid.
Of getting lost or that I might lose.
Ignorance is bliss, cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods,
You learn too much to hold.
Believe it or not.
And fight the tears with pretty smiles,
And lies about the times.

A year goes by...and I can't talk about it.
The times weren't right...and I couldn't talk about it.


And I'm praying that we will see,
Something there in between.
Then and there, that exceeds all we can dream.
So we....can talk about it."




L<3ve,
.beee.

Camera.

I've had my current Fujifilm digital camera for over 4 years now. It's kinda big and bulky and it was a graduation present that I absolutely adorrred for a loooong time, and still love to this day. However, I'm needing something more slim and compact, and something a little bit nicer....my current camera doesn't even have a black-n-white capability! :( So today, on Overstock.com, I bought myself this:

My brand spanking new, 10 megapixel Rikonon digital camera! It's a touch screen!!!! :) I LIVE by customer reviews and this baby scored top of the class! I cannot WAIT to get my new camera, and I was so excited about it, I just had to share it with you all :)

Be on the lookout for many amazing photos with this thing in the near future :)....that is, as soon as it comes in the mail, HAH!!!

Love you all, .beee.

Sad News.

Not many of you here at my blog know of my dog, Broxie. A 3 1/2 year old, Rottweiler/Pit Bull mix. Her full name: Broxie Paris Akara Head (I loved all the names, so I gave them all to her). Chris and I noticed that she hadn't been acting herself lately. She wouldn't even get up to eat. She was always a happy dog, even when she was a puppy, always running and wanting to play; and she never turned down a meal. So we knew, when she wouldn't eat or even pick herself up to walk a few feet, that something was terribly wrong. We took her to the emergency vet yesterday, where they gave her some shots and tested her blood for heartworms. The results were supposed to come in today so that we would know what steps we needed to take next.... However, she didn't make it through the night.

Crying and having to be at work right now is not fun. It's still just so hard for me to believe. My sister and Chris buried her and made her a sweet little white Cross with her name and polka dots. She deserved it; she was an amazing dog.

I thank everyone for your prayers for her, especially you, VK. You helped me most of all to feel better through all of this. You're are truly and amazing and beautiful soul, and I'm so glad God blessed me with someone like you, especially during a time like this. Now both of our beautiful babies can enjoy being healthy and never hurting again, never knowing that sickness. It makes me happy to know that Broxie and Pea are together, and happy and well. I love you, sugar.

Miss you Broxie. Always.

Love, Momma.

A video of Mia's new hairstylist skills.

Mia LOVES to do her own hair, as well as other people's. My grandmother bought her a mini-blowdryer today...for her to have ALL to herself.....

And also, everyone please be praying for my dog, Broxie. She's very sick, and any and all prayers would be greatly appreciated! Love you all,

.beee.

Since I've been gone....

I've had many scary and helpful revelations in my life. Not wanting to get into too much detail, because it has been a difficult time for me, just know that any and all prayers coming for me and my family are greatly needed, as well as appreciated. Since I've been kinda down lately, I wanted to share today with everyone, because today really helped to lift my spirits.

Today, I had a WONDERFULLY relaxing facial and lovely haircut by my sister, who I must say is a Master Cosmetologist...no seriously, ask anyone! hah! :) Then, I decided that since I felt so good with a new haircut, perhaps Mia would feel the same. So, the results are:

........The absolutely cutest and most wonderful Pixie haircut that I have EVER seen! And she loves it! She was walking allll around the house telling everyone, "Hair, my hair, pretty hair!" AH! Another score for Brittany (and Mommy, because it WAS my idea, hah!). I'm seriously so glad I'm posting again. And I pray to be on here much more often than I have.

I hope everyone has been truly blessed.

All my love, .beee.

Wordless Wednesday.

Unsure.

I think I've made a terrible mistake. About a situation. All I can say right now is that I have the most horrible sense of dread clenching my chest and I just don't know what to do. It will probably turn into absolutely nothing.....but if it turns into something? I just don't know. If you're reading this, please, please pray for me.

A quote from a book I love.

"Isn't that what love truly is? Being free even as you're being held? Knowing you can reach for the stars, and someone's there to share it with you? Or to give you a boost if you need it? Someone to laugh with, love with, cry and argue with? Someone you know will be there when you're moody, when you're dark, or when you just need a hug. Isn't that love?"

-Kia Rutherford, from Lora Leigh's Only Pleasure

(Late) Wordless Wednesday.

To Anonymous.

Have you ever felt under appreciated? That no matter what you do, what you say, how much you give, it's never enough, and never will be?

To Anonymous:
I've given more to you than I've ever given to anyone else. I've given my complete and total trust. I've given all my confidence and self-esteem. I've given all my belief, strength, and courage in you when others turned their backs. I've given smiles, tears, pain, laughter, anger, loneliness. I've given my soul and shared it with you like I never have with anyone else. And in return? You only ask for more.
I keep giving more. But, what happens when the day comes when I run out of things to give? When I have no more smiles, no more laughter, not even any more anger? No more heart, no more love or hate? No more me? What will you ask for then? And what if I refuse to give it to you?
I'm so afraid that day's coming. I've been so strong, slowly dying inside sometimes over the things that I have no control over, the things that you ask of me. I want to be my best for you. But, what if my best just isn't good enough in your eyes? What then? I'm honestly afraid to find out.

My 2 guilty pleasures to make it through this evening....

HAH! Hope everyone has had a splendid Monday :)

Love.

.beee.

Missing Out.

This is what I'm missing out on today:

Spending time with Chris, Mia, her Uncle Mario, and the in-laws, who are up from Savannah for a few days to visit us. So, instead of sitting there, beside Mia, looking at the PoohBear book, I'm stuck here at work, with a total of 5 calls ALL DAY being depressed and upset and just feelin' all around shitty. *huge sigh* Even my latest Ellora's Cave anthology can't pick up my sour mood! Now THAT'S when you know that it's baaaaad......UGH!

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my job-but these Saturdays really tak it out of me sometimes. I hope everyone is having a better weekend than I am. If I can just make it til 8 o' clock, then I'll be home free to enjoy the rest of my weekend. Planning on church tomorrow, and some swimming at the hotel once my shift is over.

Love to all, and have a blessed weekend.

.beee.

Wordless Wednesday.

Something to think about......

While King of Pop is Memorialized, Seven Lonely Caskets Return from Afghanistan
By Matt Towery(7/9/09)



I'm not a Michael Jackson hater. I liked his music, partly because it was part of my life as a young man. And I never judge people and their morals. Unless convicted by a court of law, it's really between them, the truth -- whatever that might be -- and their maker.But as thousands of people filled a huge arena in Los Angeles this week, and millions more were glued to their television sets; as accolades unlimited were spoken about the late "King of Pop," my mind was on how seven other Americans might be honored. You see, on July 6, seven American troops were killed in Afghanistan, making it the deadliest day for our military there in nearly a year.Their bodies would no doubt be shipped back to our nation in those standard military coffins. The American flags draping these simple containers would be the sole hope for added color, grandeur or beauty. The coffins would have no stately gold or magnificent silk to hold their precious remains. It is likely that no lottery will be necessary to gain tickets to their respective funerals or memorial services. No one will offer up a thin dime on eBay or Craigslist to have the honor of being present when the soldiers' families and friends gather to remember their fallen loved ones. I doubt many celebrities will be present at any of these somber occasions. Rev. Al Sharpton will have moved on to his next gig. I feel certain we will not see repeated special TV broadcasts about the acts of bravery and heroism these soldiers performed as they fought to keep our nation from having to again encounter firsthand an organization active in Afghanistan and Pakistan that would, if given the chance, act to topple another American building. "Entertainment Tonight" won't cover these deaths because, hey, they aren't entertaining.I guess you get the picture.I'm not here to put down those who were touched by and who grieved over the death of Jackson. It would be just as easy to name-call and dwell on Jackson's bad past experiences as it would be to remember his immense talent and the songs that were so much a part of my life as I was growing up. What is tougher is to describe the lives of these seven brave Americans who were blown up -- murdered -- in a rough, cruel, terrible foreign land. We don't know anything about them. But in another way we do. We know what they symbolize.They symbolize the very best of our nation. They symbolize honor, bravery and sacrifice. They represent greatness. They represent security for my family and me, and for yours and you.For all we know, a few of the soldiers might have had rough patches in their own personal lives. Perhaps not. But just as we could be thrilled watching Michael Jackson doing his famed "Moonwalk," we sure as hell could take time out to notice these brave men and women who are doing what most of us never have or never would: fight and die for this country.I am but one of hundreds of nationally syndicated columnists. In getting noticed by me there is no cachet of a Barbara Walters or a network anchor to imprint on the brief biographies of the fallen soldiers. But I can try to do them justice. So here, with my "ticket" in hand, I will mount my own platform and speak for the many who I know would join me.Thank you to the fallen warriors. Thank you for dying for me and for every other American. Thank you to your families who knew you were in harm's way, performing heroic tasks that really mean something. Tasks that might decide in years to come whether passengers on some airplane, or workers in some high rise will live or die.No, there will likely be no JumboTrons at the final services for these fallen soldiers. The last music that their loving families and friends will hear will be the simple melody of "Taps." And then the heroes' closest relatives will be handed that beautiful flag. It won't equal the gold and flowers for a king. But it will be all this nation can offer to heroes. If you ask me, I'd rather have the flag.





*I'm not putting down any who grieved of MJ either. He was an immense and incredible musician. But I just thought this would be a good post to do some thinking over.
Enjoy your Thursday.


LOVE.
.beee.

Wordless Wednesday.

Wordless Wednesday, people!

Just some things I needed to get off my chest....

Lately, there have just been some things that I've been wanting (and needing) to get off my chest. Most of these things are from my past, and probably many of you won't really understand what I'm talking about, but please bear with me. This is just something I've needed to do for a while.

• People, listen up! NO-I'm no longer a size 7. NO-I don't "hate" the fact that I'm not skinny anymore. NO-it doesn't make me any less of a person just because I gained my weight back. Back then, being skinny made me happy. That doesn't make me happy anymore. I have more important things in my life to worry about these days than my weight, and whether or not certain people find it "acceptable".
• You were one of the biggest parts of my life. You were the first person I ever kissed, and it took me 17 years to get to that point. You were the first person I had ever fully given myself to...inside and out. You made me feel beautiful like no one else ever had. You also hurt me more than anyone else. For a long time, you shattered who I was. I saw no future without you. But, because of you, I became stronger. I saw you again, so many times and it was fun....the flings we had. My new independent attitude really surprising you. You made me feel good about myself, and empty all at the same time. But I wanna thank you. For showing me that I was more. For showing me that I deserved more. I don't regret how things turned out between us. I'm proud of those times, even though I was so young. You helped to shape me into the woman I am today. So, I'm grateful for that. Otherwise, I really could care less about you anymore.
• To this day, I wish I could pay you back for the way you treated me. Those memories still handicap me sometimes, and I resent you for that. You were trash....you're still trash....and you always will be. I gave you EVERYTHING I had to give....and it was never good enough. Now I see that I was just too good for you to begin with. That relationship, if you can even call it that, was purely a lesson. One I've well learned.
• I miss my best friend. Not many people know it, and I play it off like I don't...but I do. She was my "friendly soul mate". I really miss her.

So, now that I've gotten those things off my chest, I feel a little better. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend, and I will see you all on Monday!

Yours truly, .beee.

Why I love my husband, despite EVERYTHING.

These were a series of text messages I received from Chris tonight in response to the blog I wrote about our anniversary:

Well three years has gone by fast and so much has happened. Great things and bad things, and I know I may not be the same person on the outside, cause I know I have screwed up numerous times. And apart from all that, inside, I love you more than you will ever know. I know we have our moments but I promise you, that shit eatin' grin you saw on our wedding day, it's still there. That's something that will never ever go away as long as you're with me. I love you with everything there is to me, Brandi. You and Mia are what keep me lookin' forward to that day we have our own place and I can show the shit eatin' grin even more ;-) Brandi, I will always love you, no matter what, ok? I may have a weird way of showing it now, cause we live in probably the most stressful house EVER and I tend to put myself in bad situations, but when we get our place, you will see that smile every moment we're together....



So yeah...he's amazing.
:)

Wordless Wednesday.

Anniversary.

Tomorrow is mine and Chris's 2 year anniversary. I look back on all the things we've been through...it'll be almost 3 years together, 2 married, and I truly can't believe that much time has passed.

I remember our wedding day. I was so nervous. I don't remember ever being more scared than I was in that moment. I had all my friends there, who were amazing to me, family....but I still couldn't get past how nervous I was! I remember the music starting and I remember standing next to my mom, watching my bridesmaids go out before us and up to the altar. I finally got through that doorway, and I remember looking at my feet reminding myself to walk slowly.....When I looked up and saw Chris's face, the biggest smile I have EVER seen, him in his suit just beaming at me, his future bride....I forgot about everything and everyone but him. You should see the pictures! In every one of them he's got the biggest s*** eatin' grin you've ever SEEN, hah! Not many people know this, but I was about 3 months pregnant with Mia when we got married. I remember thinking how that was the beginning of the life I had always wanted.....


2 years down the road and we've definitely had our struggles. There have been times when I just knew we wouldn't make it through....when I just knew I'd never see that smile again....but we've made it this far. How? I'm not really sure sometimes, lol But we have.


Chris,
I just want to tell you that you're my soul. You're everything I need, and nothing I need, all at the same time, sometimes....but I always love you. No matter the arguments, no matter what words are said between us, no matter how we disagree....I still love you. My heart is still tied to yours and always will be. I wouldn't give you up for anything. I wouldn't change our marriage, our family, for anything. You gave me that beautiful angelbby and I just have to sit back and smile at her sometimes because she looks so much like you. You gave me life when I felt like I had nothing left. It's amazing to think about Gammie and PawPaw and their 50th anniversary coming up next month. 50 years! I pray that we get that. That we have those 50 years. I want those 50 years with you, Chris. No less.
So here's to our 48 more years to go....and more, if God wills it. I love you so much. Thank you for being my lover, my friend, my stronghold, my backup, my husband, for 2 years.

I love you so much.