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"The right thing isn't always real obvious. Sometimes the right thing for one person is the wrong thing for someone else. So... good luck figuring that out." -Charlie Swan
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Tuesday, February 17, 2009


I haven't really been in the blog writing mood lately. I don't really know why; writing always makes me feel better. I guess I just feel kinda like I'm losing touch lately. I don't really know how to explain it...I just feel sorta empty lately, like something's missing. I have no idea what it could be...

It may have something to do with not seeing my friends as much as I'd like to. I've already gone though enough losing someone who I thought was my absolutely BEST friend. We used to talk about living with each other, having babies at the same time, getting married at the same time! We had our futures planned ALL out, and neither of those futures was without me or her in it sharing the memories. Now that I think about it, if someone asked me, I wouldn't be able to tell them why we aren't friends anymore. We just...grew apart, something I never thought would happen. I admit, I didn't contact her as often as I should have; I didn't make myself as much a part of her life as I used to. But she didn't make the effort either. I think the real straw that broke the camel's back? That was when she got married and I wasn't invited. She was my maid of honor!!! And I didn't even get an invitation. "It was for family only," she said; but wasn't I family? Did she not call me her "sister"? We were inseparable! And yet, I wasn't family enough, I guess.

I've always been told that I'm good at pushing people away. That it's only a matter of time before they leave. It's been proven, you know? Two relationships, and two friendships stand the testament to this fact. What am I doing wrong? What is it that I do that so repulses people that, eventually, they just get tired enough of me and decide to leave?

I have 2 truly amazing women in my life at the moment. Without them, I'd feel utterly lost alot of the time. They both know many of my secrets and I've shared with them things that I wouldn't tell just anybody. And sadly, I already feel as though I'm losing one of them. She's beautiful, and amazing, and she's told me so many horror stories of the things she's been through. I always thought I was so strong; always the safe harbor for my mother and my sister for 18 years of my life. I was wrong. I didn't know true strength until I met this girl. And yes, I say girl, but not meaning it in the sense of maturity. I tell you, this friend is more mature than I am. I only say girl because of her age; that number. She's still a teenager and yet, been through so much that everytime you look into her eyes, it's amazing to see the strength hiding there inside of her. I can't imagine living through the things that she's lived through, and making it out so beautifully. Of course she's still scarred...I've been a witness to that; but you'd never guess it by the way she carries herself. Always so strong, and gracious, and just one amazing human being. God truly blessed me when He sent her my way. And I'm scared I'm losing her. I don't think I've necessarily pushed her away. I just think that she's growing up. I want her to know, if she's reading this, that I'll always love you, and that I'll always be right there waiting anytime you need me for anything. These times ahead are gonna be hard, I don't doubt it. But I wanna be there for you. Please, please don't ever hesitate to call me. I know we don't talk on the phone alot, but I want you to know that it's always an option. I won't talk, I'll just listen if that's what you need. You're so important to me, and to my life, to my family's life too. I don't wanna lose that. Come see me soon, beautiful girl. I love you.

That's all for now.


Shania said...

First of all I want to thank you for the comment that you left on my blog. And about your friends, well I cant tell you why she did not invite you to the wedding, I would be disappointed too and your other friend "strong girl" I hope things get better. Thanks for sharing